From: John Dybala Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.religion.kibology] Re: Everything new is sucky again Date: 9 Oct 1997 09:30:41 +0200 Subject: Re: Everything new is sucky again From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.tv, alt.society.generation-x L. Shelton Bumgarner (leebum@nottowayez.net) wrote: > > Arg! I watched the Miss America "pagent" for a moment or two tonight > -- just long enough to see my first two-peice -- and then quickly > turned it off in disgust. LEE SEES HIS FIRST BIKINI! LEE RUNS AWAY SCREAMING! It went something like this: BOB BARKER: Ohhhh, Miss District Of Columbia, I'm so sorrrrry, I'm afraaaid you're five points behind! Can you score in the swimsuit competition without GOING OVER? (Miss D.C. takes off her "H.H."-monogrammed bathrobe to reveal a pierced navel in her forehead, and a two-piece bathing suit, with a little sign "BIKINI" pointing to it with a blocky Dick Tracy arrow.) LEE BUMGARNER: Ewwww! I can see the area between her erogenous zones! Turn it off! Turn it off! (Lee's cocker spaniel pounces on the remote, changing to the Game Show Network.) LEE BUMGARNER: Thanks, Winky! OLD RERUN OF BOB BARKER: Welcome to The Price Is Right, the game show with NO SKIN! Johnny Olson, who's our first contestant? THE LATE JOHNNY OLSON: Bob, it's that fat woman in the tight tube top! FAT WOMAN IN THE TIGHT TUBE TOP, COME ON DOWN!!! ...world's most famous blooper ensues... LEE BUMGARNER: Augh! I'm never watching TV again! I'm subscribing to rec.tv.* instead after I take this cold shower and talk to my priest! PRIEST: Help! Let me out! You can't keep me chained up like this! LEE BUMGARNER: Shut up and polish my boots again! Ha ha ha! The bikini has driven me mad with lustful desires! Bikini evil! Make me evil! Rrrrr!!! SWAT TEAM (bullhorn voiceover): MR. L. S. BUMGARDENER! COME OUT SLOWLY AND HOLD THE PRIEST WHERE WE CAN SEE HIM! (Lee peeks out the window and the SWAT team is wearing black bikinis and gas masks.) LEE BUMGARNER: I will never surrender to the bikini Gestapo! (Bullets riddle his body.) LEE BUMGARNER (bleeding to death): CURSE YOU, DIABOLICAL BIKINI!!! (He dies. Cut to Rod Serling) ROD SERLING: Remember, never show bikinis to Lee Bongardiner. This has been a public service announcement. (Camera pulls back to show that Rod is wearing a bikini. Enter Johnny Olson in a bikini.) JOHNNY OLSON: These new diapers are so convenient! ROD SERLING: They're bikinis, not diapers. JOHNNY OLSON: Oops! (Walks offscreen funny.) ROD SERLING: We hope you have enjoyed today's twisted tale of bikini mayhem, a sinister story filed under "T" for "two-piece" in... THE BIKINI ZONE. > Why the hell they have the damn thing anymore, I have no idea. I agree, they should ditch those newfangled two-piece suits in favor of the even newer, more revealing three-pieces ones. Like Barbara Eden wore on "I Dream Of Jeannie". > excuse me, bev, if that is too obvious a statmemt for you. You mean the above, or the below?